I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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