Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
accomplished twins. life is a go
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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