I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm always down for nudity.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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