Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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