I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
