This dress was meant to end up on your floor
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
