Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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