just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
