He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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