you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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