what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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