Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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