i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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