Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
