Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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