just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
