we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is the high leading the old right now
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
