i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
