tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
