I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
