She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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