i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
