omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I think I just sharted jello shots
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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