I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
