I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
