I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
