we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
