My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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