Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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