I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
