I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
