Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
