Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
