I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
