no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
