So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
