I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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