I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
