I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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