Christians are straight up FREAKS
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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