I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
