did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
