State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
