Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
