I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
