i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
