honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
