I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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