so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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