I wannas sexs uuuuu
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
