When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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